Born Still but Still Born.

"I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."

(Written on December 23, 2015) Tuesday, June 23, 2015 at about 21 weeks pregnant, my husband and I learned that our second child, our son had passed away and then born still. Those words, not sure if exact, still resonate with me, in unimaginable pain. Just a week before, my water had broken, that is when we found out we were having another sweet little boy, we named him Jesse. After fighting for a week to keep him alive and stay hopeful, screams started within me. In that very small and cold hospital delivery room, my husband and I fell apart.

Jesse II Madrigal Footprints June 23, 2015

I miss him so much. As I write this, my heart tightens and hurts and eyes fill with tears. All the memories of that day, those days leading up to that day, still feel very real and raw. For the rest of my life, I will remember his sweet scent, perfect little self and how he resembled his big brother. Six months have gone by. I still can't explain the pain and heartache one feels to lose a baby. It is not the natural order of life. Some days are harder than others. Being out in nature with skies full of clouds, soaking up sunshine at times has helped, it is then that I think about my son and feel him present. Since losing our baby, it has been very important to me as his mother, to create memories for him, acknowledge his existence in this world and celebrate his life. Happy six months my little j.