I miss you so...

I knew our due date on November 6, 2015 would be really tough. A day we expected to be filled with joy and having our second baby boy in our arms, but instead we were grieving him. We wrote messages for him on each balloon, a blue one for our baby boy in heaven and white balloons for us, as they reached the sunny sky we looked on with pain in our hearts and eyes full of tears.

                        Balloon release for our baby boy with Daddy and big brother on the morning of November 6, 2015.

The holidays came, where it was more obvious that he was not with us when he should have been and I find myself dreading them. The anniversaries have started, this is around the time last year when I found out I was pregnant and started making doctor appointments to confirm our new blessing. I remember taking our then two year old Noah to my second appointment. As soon as the ultrasound machine was set up and we could see and hear our baby's heartbeat, Noah stopped what he was doing and focused his attention on my belly and the image of our growing baby. Noah wanted to hold the ultra sound picture after I told him he was going to be a big brother. On the ride home, he fell asleep holding his baby brother's picture.


Life after loss feels like a fog or in a way, life in slow motion. People go on with their lives but mine has been drastically changed forever. I am not the same because a part of me will always be with my baby Jesse and I find myself going day by day trying to hold it together and doing what I need to do for my family. Not only am I grieving the life of our baby, I am grieving Noah's little brother, the hopes and dreams we had for our growing family. My heart is heavy today and every day, I miss him so much.