Twice the Adventures...

When I was pregnant with Noah; our first son, my husband and I would spend most of our time outdoors in nature. Once Noah was born, we continued making most of our family memories exploring the mountains and enjoying the beach, going on spontaneous road trips to other towns and we would always take Noah's teddy with us. How excited were we to add another little one, another little boy to our family that we can have more of those little adventures with. A year ago today, our second blessing was confirmed. I had heard the heartbeat of our wiggly baby on the ultrasound screen a couple times now and planned to announce the news to our close family and friends.

 

It was fitting to make announcements that read, "& Baby Makes 4. TWICE THE ADVENTURES...COMING NOVEMBER 2015!" I remember that morning clearly. I had already ordered a smaller version of Noah's Teddy for our new baby.  We gathered Noah and the teddies, purchased  three white balloons and one yellow balloon and headed to the canyons where we took a picture of his sweet big brother Noah waiting for his baby brother to start exploring with.

The smaller version of big brothers teddy was the only gift I was able to purchase for Jesse before we lost him, it still makes me incredibly heartbroken and sad. I feel guilt and regret that I did not announce our pregnancy, his existence sooner because there was some spotting during the pregnancy. It all seems so unfair. We had to say goodbye before we got to really know our son and make memories with him. That is why I find myself clutching every single memory of him growing inside of me, holding and kissing him, it felt like it was not enough and will never be.

Grief has forced me to focus on the concept of what it means to feel alive and keeping his memory alive. If he was with us now as he should have been, we would be spending time outdoors. For Jesse's first birthday and angelversary, his dad, big brother and myself, will create memories for our baby as a family. I will go on a family road trip and camping trip and have adventures with my three boys...and celebrate the life of our little j.