Because of You...

A couple of weeks ago, we had an inspirational speaker come to my workplace to speak with all our staff. Very humble and genuine man that has had so much experience working and helping at-risk youth and communities here is Southern California. What he discussed resonated with everyone on a professional level and then he started started talking about something that completely resonated with me, on a personal level as a mom. He explained that when he was growing up, when he would tell his mother Thank you, her response would be along the lines of, " Okage Sama (SP)" meaning "because of you" or "thanks to you, " in Japanese. This resonated so much with me because, our oldest, Noah, is now five years old. Every time he has said, "Thank you, Mama," my response has always been, "of course," ending the response in my head, "its because of you and your brother." As a mother, everything you do is because of your child or children, as a loss mother, everything you do is because you are living for your child that was not able to. Thinking about this has me in tears, for the rest of my life, this life, my heart will always be split in two (half of it missing), the before and after, with my son on earth and son in my heart, living this life doing my best because of them, to give one the life he deserves and and the other the life, adventures and memories he deserved. Noah and Jesse, it will always be because of you. I love you so and I miss you so...

Time

I have not posted on here in a while. That is not to say I haven't written on paper or had thoughts in my mind that just didn't make it on here or in my journal. I started this blog to talk about Jesse, grief, and our hope journey after loss. I wish I had not neglected it for this long, especially since it helps me practice articulating (which I am not the best at) how I am feeling and share it with others that may be feeling the same way, and hopefully help them too. Less and less people ask, almost three years in and maybe others do expect me to be "ok," not sure. What hurts is not being asked about Jesse, ever. I believe every loss mom agrees, hearing our babies name, acknowledging them is the best gift, not avoiding bringing them up because we will be in tears, why wouldn't we be? we miss them and yearn to talk about them, he isn't a painful memory, we love him and were blessed with him, even if it was for an incredibly short time. If you have a friend that has lost a baby, take time the time often to mention their name to them, ask them about their baby, encourage them to tell their story and mean it.If you have lost a baby, I am so sorry, your baby is loved, missed and remembered along with my Jesse and I pray there is a day that we all get to see our babies again.