I woke up my husband and told him and we both sat up confused and thought it might be something else? I messaged and called my OB/GYN but it was too early in the morning to get an answer. I laid in bed worried and thought, please let this be nothing, there cannot be anything wrong. The moment I got out of bed and walked to get my waking two year old, a sudden gush happened and ran down my legs onto the floor. I called my husband sobbing and screaming to come back. I will never forget those screams of terror and that Noah had watched everything as he woke.
Noah was dropped off and we headed to the hospital immediately where we were checked into Labor & Delivery. I remember explaining to the nurse that we had just called and she asked how many weeks pregnant I was. She nodded when I told her and opened the door to lead us to a room. I changed into a hospital gown and laid down with my husband by my side with fear in our eyes. I was given a PH and Nitrazine test that confirmed the liquid was amniotic fluid and there was a premature rupture of the membrane (pProm), which is the amniotic sac that surrounds our baby. The first time I had ever even seen or heard about pProm before being explained what it was, was that day on the dry erase board for our L&D room that read "Possible pProm." A doctor came in to explain to us what this meant. pProm is a rare occurrence and it is very hard to know what exactly caused it and often times, someone will never know. They reassured me it was nothing I did to cause it, sometimes these things just happen. None of that information was comforting. The doctor continued to explain that unless the rupture sealed and fluids increased, there was not a lot of hope for our baby boy because of viability at his age. I was told even with attempts to prolong pregnancy, many will deliver within a week of the rupture and I was putting myself at risk of infection.
How were we just given the fate of our son. As she explained all of this information, we were in tears, how could this happen to us, how could this happen to our baby. I have put so much blame on myself, I am his mother, how was I not able to protect him and make sure everything would be ok. I would fight and do anything to save my son. My husband and I just held each other, we held and rubbed my belly and looked at each other in disbelief with pain and heartache in our eyes. We were able to see our baby boy moving and alive with a strong heartbeat and there was not a lot of amniotic fluid around him. I was put on strict bed rest in hopes that the tear would seal and needed to drink water constantly in hopes that amniotic fluid would replenish for our baby.
My baby, my little Jesse, this day was the last day we saw you alive and given these ultrasound pictures. I felt you alive in my womb for the days to follow, never ever to imagine we would lose you a week after that morning and be born still. Today is incredibly hard, full of vivid and raw memories and feelings. The 23rd will be even more difficult for us. I miss and love you dearly my sweet boy and arms ache for you daily.
Please keep our sweet little j in your thoughts and prayers and all the other little babies that are with him in heaven.
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