In Honor of our Baby Jesse.

A month from today will mark a year of heartache since Jesse was born still. Not a day goes by where we do not yearn to have our baby boy in our arms and often find ourselves in nature seeking signs of his presence. If you find a little j outdoors leading up to his first birthday on June 23, 2016, please share with us in honor of our son. Acknowledging his existence and celebrating his life with us would be the sweetest gift.

Mother's Day with my baby in Heaven and toddler on Earth.

(Late Post)

Dear Baby Jesse,

Last year on Mother's Day you were in my womb. Growing and starting to wiggle in a couple of kicks. I was full of joy last year with your big brother in my arms and feeling smitten to become a mother of two (Didn't know you were a boy yet which makes it bittersweet, being a mother of boys has always sounded sweet to me) with big hopes to continue growing our family and build memories together.Your daddy and I have always dreamed of having a big family and we were so happy to be blessed with you, we wanted you, still do and always will.
 

We visited the fountain at the hospital where you were born on the morning of Mother's Day. A little hummingbird kept fluttering around us and would return to the same branch on this tree next to us.

This year you were supposed be here and my heart and arms ache for you. You would have been 6 months, one of my favorite stages of a baby as they get chubby and curious. My heart was full holding your big brother here on earth but also felt heavy and empty because I was not holding you. Mother's Day was a very sad day for me, the days leading up to it gave me anxiety and triggers were more and more difficult. I found out there was a Bereaved Mothers Day the Sunday before, a club nobody chooses to be part of but this is my life now. My heart breaks for all us grieving mammas, they have become a great support system, I hope every one of them was surrounded with love that day and you and all their babies and children surrounding us in spirit.

This birdie tattoo first started with your daddy and I, then we added your big brother after he was born and now for Mother's Day, you became a part of my family tattoo and me again, my sweet little angel baby bird.

I love you Jesse, every breath I take on earth will be to live for you. I carried you, felt you alive and gave birth to you and will love you for the rest of my life. I will always be your mamma and you will always be my son. Thank you for making me a mother of two boys, I miss you dearly.

Our Little j Remembrance Project In Honor of our baby Jesse

Please follow the  Our Little J Project link above for more information.

 "In honor of our son Jesse's first birthday on June 23, 2015. We would like to put together and donate 143 comfort packages to  the Kaiser Kraemer Hospital where we last held and kissed our son goodbye. These comfort packages would go to any mother/parents that have gone through a late miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss in honor of our son, Jesse. It is so heartbreaking to know that like my husband and I, other mothers and parents leave  with empty arms. We would like to bring some comfort with these care packages to remember their babies gone too soon and need your help. Items will be given in a clear case where mothers can continue including keepsakes. Items we hope to include are:

 

- Candle (As soon as we came home, I felt I needed to light a candle, my husband rushed to go buy one to give light to our baby.)

- White Ribbon (As a family, we planted a beautiful white crepe myrtle tree in memory of our son and tied a simple silk white ribbon that is still draped on his tree as it grows.)

- Certificate of Life (A simple and beautiful gesture that a mother and parents can have if not given, to acknowledge a baby's existence and life, no matter the age.)
- Board Book; "Wherever You Are my love will find you" By Nancy Tillman (I had heard about this book and really hoped to buy it soon. One evening was really tough and I just needed to get some air and drive. Noah and I ended up at HomeGoods for some reason and I thought, lets go find some more containers he needs for his lunch. As we head to that aisle, we pass by the toy and baby section and there this book was, sitting on a random shelf. My baby...I read the book in the parking lot and sobbed the way home.)
- Book; "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" By Deborah L. Davis
- A Journal and pen (This book has helped me continue to learn about this grief journey after losing our son.)
- Remembrance Shadow box Frame for ultrasound or baby picture (Framing my son's picture, footprints and ultrasound felt right as part of our family and around our home.)
- Tissue (Some days are harder than others and then there are triggers and it hits you. Crying is part of deep grief, crying always exists  where there is heartache. Having tissue around is helpful.)
- Tea (Chamomile tea helped me get some sleep on tough days.)
- Wood Butterfly cutout (Every day since losing baby Jesse, I see a white butterfly fluttering nearby, like to think my baby is sending little messages.)
- Knitted keepsake lovie (A preemie sized hat that can be a keepsake or used for pictures on our loved one.)
- Printed Poem (Poems and quotes about losing a baby can help, my husband and I found ourselves always searching for them. I tear up reading new ones as they give some comfort you realize you are not alone.)

All items will be nicely packaged in a clear 14.1" x 14.3" x 3.1" case that can be used to continue safely storing other keepsakes. We estimate that these comfort packages will cost approximately $48 each and every penny of the donations withdrawn will go to buying each item to put these packages together.

We hope to continue this project every year on our babies birthday, to honor his life ad bring awareness to Pprom Loss. This means so so so much to us and we thank anyone even just taking the time to read this and making this possible.

We will forever love and miss our son, Jesse.

From the bottom of our hearts, we Thank you...

Sincerely,

Celina, Jesse and Big Brother Noah"

https://www.gofundme.com/OurLittlej

Twice the Adventures...

When I was pregnant with Noah; our first son, my husband and I would spend most of our time outdoors in nature. Once Noah was born, we continued making most of our family memories exploring the mountains and enjoying the beach, going on spontaneous road trips to other towns and we would always take Noah's teddy with us. How excited were we to add another little one, another little boy to our family that we can have more of those little adventures with. A year ago today, our second blessing was confirmed. I had heard the heartbeat of our wiggly baby on the ultrasound screen a couple times now and planned to announce the news to our close family and friends.

 

It was fitting to make announcements that read, "& Baby Makes 4. TWICE THE ADVENTURES...COMING NOVEMBER 2015!" I remember that morning clearly. I had already ordered a smaller version of Noah's Teddy for our new baby.  We gathered Noah and the teddies, purchased  three white balloons and one yellow balloon and headed to the canyons where we took a picture of his sweet big brother Noah waiting for his baby brother to start exploring with.

The smaller version of big brothers teddy was the only gift I was able to purchase for Jesse before we lost him, it still makes me incredibly heartbroken and sad. I feel guilt and regret that I did not announce our pregnancy, his existence sooner because there was some spotting during the pregnancy. It all seems so unfair. We had to say goodbye before we got to really know our son and make memories with him. That is why I find myself clutching every single memory of him growing inside of me, holding and kissing him, it felt like it was not enough and will never be.

Grief has forced me to focus on the concept of what it means to feel alive and keeping his memory alive. If he was with us now as he should have been, we would be spending time outdoors. For Jesse's first birthday and angelversary, his dad, big brother and myself, will create memories for our baby as a family. I will go on a family road trip and camping trip and have adventures with my three boys...and celebrate the life of our little j.