For my baby and all babies gone too soon. October was a month to specially honor them, remember them, break the silence and bring awareness of infant loss, stillbirth and miscarriage. Like every single day since losing our little one, last month was incredibly tough and is for grieving mothers and fathers. On October 15th, everyone was asked to light a candle at 7pm so there was a continuous Wave of Light across the world for all our babies.
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| I have connected with so many amazing loss moms and honored their babies by writing their names on these letters for Wave of Light. |
On October 25, 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Every year in October and always, join us in honoring my little Jesse and all the sweet babies gone too soon.
I also participated in carlymarieprojectheal.com Capture Your Grief prompts for the first time this year. This was the project that helped me connect with other loss moms last year and really feel like I was not alone.Some days were hard to write about but I am so glad I was able to participate and share more about my sweet little that is so dearly missed. I included what I wrote for each prompt below and the pictures for each:
Capture Your Grief | Day 1 | Sunrise Dedication:
Today is the first day of PAIL.
I had made sure to set my alarm to wake up by sunrise here at 6:46am
and snap this picture of the sunlight hitting Jesse's memorial tree. I
found myself eagerly getting out of bed early this morning to start this
project and thought about all the other loss moms and dads doing the
same. It was different from other mornings where I usually hesitantly
rush out of bed to get myself and Noah ready so I can head into work,
but the view every morning is the same, this one. Walking by Our Little
j's memorial tree, the pinwheels spinning and a little shadow cast by
his tree from the sunrise. I think sometimes with all the rushing, for
an instant I forget that this is my life, I greet his keepsakes and tree
with a smile some mornings and other mornings, they are greeted with
overwhelmed tears. I wish this was not my life.I wish I was woken up
every morning by both my sons. This grief journey has been a challenge.
Things dont always work out as planned, I am not always able to just sit
and grieve peacefully because I am always trying to find the balance to
be a great parent to my son on earth and in heaven. I hope I am able to
complete this project every day this month in memory of our sweet
little Jesse, all other babies and in support of their grieving parents,
trying to find hope in every sunrise
Capture Your Grief | Day 2 | Who They Are:
He
is my son Jesse, Our Little j, my little baby bird, my California baby,
a baby brother, nephew, cousin, grandson and great grandson born on
June 23, 2015.He was conceived a year after we had moved our little
family back to CA. We were so excited to grow our family and I dreamed
of having another little boy. We got the greatest and saddest news in
one day, I pProm'd on June 16th, 2015 and found out we were expecting
another boy. pProm occurs in only 3% of pregnancies, we were given no
answers, no hope and warned of the risks to his life and mine. He is my
little partner and we fought together, sadly after one week, my little
baby was born still at 21 weeks...He will always be so incredibly loved,
missed, wanted and remembered. He always had so much movement during
ultrasounds that the nurse would laugh that he was giving her a hard
time.He made sure I felt his kicks early, specially when we were
outdoors. He had the sweetest chin and perfect little toes. I often
wondered if he would of had red hair like his daddy or dark brown like
me and his big brother.
He is who I live for, he is the reason for
Our Little j Comfort Packages, he is making a difference and helping
others with the same broken hearts, he is behind my strength and every
step I take because he did not get the chance to take his....He is
the reason we seek and show more appreciation for the morning sunshine,
moon, stars and breeze in the mountains and ocean, because we feel him
right there with us....He is my sweet baby, like all the other
special babies we honor, remember and acknowledge not just this month
but always. They lived, they matter.
I don't know If I could ever really explain how exactly it felt, how special and how loved this little boy is to me, how traumatizing, emotionally and mentally painful this experience was and has been.
As soon as I was told that he did not have a heartbeat, time stopped, everything immediately looked blurry as If I had held my breath the entire time and could not let out the screams of agony that I heard in my head. Labor continued and I sobbed as I was wheeled through the hallway in terror as I heard babies crying, knowing that I would soon give birth to my dead son...I refused any pain medicine, the physical pain could not amount to the emotional heart break that would follow. I cried so much through every contraction, through every push, through every glance I made to my sobbing husband. As soon as he was born and placed on my chest you could now vividly hear my screams, "I am so sorry! I am so sorry! I am so sorry!" as the nurses tried to calm me down and reassure me that it was not my fault...My heart broke for my little boy, that we love so much and have felt so empty, like a part of me died with my son that day
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