Our Little j Remembrance Project: June 23, 2017

Jesse's should have been First Birthday...

We should have a sweet 1 year old Jesse in our arms today and celebrating his first birthday. Today is his should have been first birthday, if he was born on his due date last November 6th. We don't know if he would have been born on that date last year, but wish things would have turned out as we hoped. We celebrated his Angelversary/Birthday on June 23rd with road trips and camping trips to the mountains and ocean and that felt like a celebration of his life. We will always do that every year for him, on the anniversary when he was born still. Today feels harder and his absence is stronger as we think of what should have been today and always for our family of four. I wish my arms were full with a chubby one year old being sang happy birthday. The 23rd and 6th will always be meaningful days for our little j.They are the only dates that will truly belong to my second son, My sweet baby, we miss you so much.

 

November 1st | Dia de los Angelitos

Our Jesse's little altar. In Mexican tradition, November 1st is set aside in remembrance of all angelitos (angels) babies & children, and altars are created to honor them. I included the remembered letters with all the names of his sweet angelito friends.

OC Walk To Remember 2016

          

 

We participated in the Forever Footprints OC Walk to Remember for the first time on October 8th. It was such a special and heartbreaking event to honor our Jesse and 400+ babies named on their Big wall. Before the 5k walk started, every single name was announced. I walked up after his named was announced and was given a single white rose. I was bittersweet to participate, it felt so good to do this for our son and look forward to it every year now. I just wish I had my baby in our arms and doing things with him. We had the letter j balloon with us and when we reached the end of the walk, the balloon got loose. I was so upset and that's when I got really overwhelmed and started crying. I watched as it flew away in such a playful and felt it was a little sign from him. We miss you so much.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

 

For my baby and all babies gone too soon. October was a month to specially honor them, remember them, break the silence and bring awareness of infant loss, stillbirth and miscarriage. Like every single day since losing our little one, last month was incredibly tough and is for grieving mothers and fathers. On October 15th, everyone was asked to light a candle at 7pm so there was a continuous Wave of Light across the world for all our babies.   

I have connected with so many amazing loss moms and honored their babies by writing their names on these letters for Wave of Light.

On October 25, 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Every year in October and always, join us in honoring my little Jesse and all the sweet babies gone too soon.

I also participated in carlymarieprojectheal.com Capture Your Grief prompts for the first time this year. This was the project that helped me connect with other loss moms last year and really feel like I was not alone.Some days were hard to write about but I am so glad I was able to participate and share more about my sweet little that is so dearly missed. I included what I wrote for each prompt below and the pictures for each:

Capture Your Grief | Day 1 | Sunrise Dedication: 

Today is the first day of  PAIL. I had made sure to set my alarm to wake up by sunrise here at 6:46am and snap this picture of the sunlight hitting Jesse's memorial tree. I found myself eagerly getting out of bed early this morning to start this project and thought about all the other loss moms and dads doing the same. It was different from other mornings where I usually hesitantly rush out of bed to get myself and Noah ready so I can head into work, but the view every morning is the same, this one. Walking by Our Little j's memorial tree, the pinwheels spinning and a little shadow cast by his tree from the sunrise. I think sometimes with all the rushing, for an instant I forget that this is my life, I greet his keepsakes and tree with a smile some mornings and other mornings, they are greeted with overwhelmed tears. I wish this was not my life.I wish I was woken up every morning by both my sons. This grief journey has been a challenge. Things dont always work out as planned, I am not always able to just sit and grieve peacefully because I am always trying to find the balance to be a great parent to my son on earth and in heaven. I hope I am able to complete this project every day this month in memory of our sweet little Jesse, all other babies and in support of their grieving parents, trying to find hope in every sunrise

 

 Capture Your Grief | Day 2 | Who They Are:

He is my son Jesse, Our Little j, my little baby bird, my California baby, a baby brother, nephew, cousin, grandson and great grandson born on June 23, 2015.He was conceived a year after we had moved our little family back to CA. We were so excited to grow our family and I dreamed of having another little boy. We got the greatest and saddest news in one day, I pProm'd on June 16th, 2015 and found out we were expecting another boy. pProm occurs in only 3% of pregnancies, we were given no answers, no hope and warned of the risks to his life and mine. He is my little partner and we fought together, sadly after one week, my little baby was born still at 21 weeks...He will always be so incredibly loved, missed, wanted and remembered. He always had so much movement during ultrasounds that the nurse would laugh that he was giving her a hard time.He made sure I felt his kicks early, specially when we were outdoors. He had the sweetest chin and perfect little toes. I often wondered if he would of had red hair like his daddy or dark brown like me and his big brother.
He is who I live for, he is the reason for Our Little j Comfort Packages, he is making a difference and helping others with the same broken hearts, he is behind my strength and every step I take because he did not get the chance to take his....He is the reason we seek and show more appreciation for the morning sunshine, moon, stars and breeze in the mountains and ocean, because we feel him right there with us....He is my sweet baby, like all the other special babies we honor, remember and acknowledge not just this month but always. They lived, they matter.

                                                               Capture Your Grief | Day 3 | What it Felt Like:
I don't know If I could ever really explain how exactly it felt, how special and how loved this little boy is to me, how traumatizing, emotionally and mentally painful this experience was and has been.
As soon as I was told that he did not have a heartbeat, time stopped, everything immediately looked blurry as If I had held my breath the entire time and could not let out the screams of agony that I heard in my head. Labor continued and I sobbed as I was wheeled through the hallway in terror as I heard babies crying, knowing that I would soon give birth to my dead son...I refused any pain medicine, the physical pain could not amount to the emotional heart break that would follow. I cried so much through every contraction, through every push, through every glance I made to my sobbing husband. As soon as he was born and placed on my chest you could now vividly hear my screams, "I am so sorry! I am so sorry! I am so sorry!" as the nurses tried to calm me down and reassure me that it was not my fault...My heart broke for my little boy, that we love so much and have felt so empty, like a part of me died with my son that day

 

June 23, 2015

The last time I saw and held you...

Happy first birthday in heaven, our sweet baby Jesse

June 23, 2016

Happy Birthday to Our Little j. Mamma, Daddy, big brother and everyone miss and love you. I am wishing you the sweetest and happiest celebration in heaven. I will continue to celebrate, honor your life and make memories for you for the rest of my life. The Sunshine, clouds, stars, mountains and the ocean remind us of you. We saw it fitting to celebrate your life by taking you and your big brother on a road trip to see what we always hoped for with our two wittle adventurous boys.

Kaiser Kraemer L&D Staff

The morning of your birthday were sweetly greeted by the L&D staff when we came up to drop of the comfort packages in your honor and memory to help other families. It was such a difficult walk up for us. The last time we were there was the last time we saw and held you and we had such heavy hearts being there. In a way I was glad that we were able enter all the way, although it was incredibly difficult, that is where we spent time with you. Any connection to you I feel so protective of and felt that yearning to be anywhere where we had been with you, specially where we last held and kissed you.

You are incredibly missed and loved. Celebrating your life when you are not here is so heartbreaking but I hope you had the cutest little birthday, feeling all the love from everyone thinking of you on your birthday. 

Mamma and Daddy love you and miss you so much. Big Brother sang to you and sends you all his love.

Big Brother Noah entering L&D alongside Kaiser SW with some comfort packages

Father's Day

My husband is also grieving the loss of his baby boy, sometimes in his own way, I believe as many other fathers do and they hurt as much as we do. He was excited and started planning for his second baby. Two weeks before our baby passed, he was eagerly assembling Noah's toddler bed so that the crib could be organized in our room for baby Jesse. He heard the same news I did, was told his child did not have a heartbeat and he sobbed as he watched his son be born still. I remember when Noah was born and I looked up at him as he also stood on my left full of tears of joy. It breaks my heart that he did not have the same experience. He will always love and miss his baby. I saw the love and heartbreak he had for his baby the minute he held him and broke down, the love he still has for both of his sons and he will always be doing his best to honor his son in heaven.This Father's Day was difficult for him as all of them will be forever.

A Guide For Fathers

I purchased the pocketbook above for my husband soon after losing our baby. He felt it was helpful and could relate to the Authors personal experience and feelings and keeps it handy in his truck.

Comfort Packages

 

All items were gathered with love and care in mind and we hope they provide some comfort for parents experiencing this heartbreaking loss . We wish we would have received something like this when we lost our baby boy and left the hospital and felt it was important for us help other grieving parents in honor of Our Baby Jesse. Below are the description of each item:

1.       White Candle
2.       White Ribbon
3.       Recognition of Life Certificate
4.       Board Book; "Wherever You Are my love will find you" By Nancy Tillman:
5.       Book; "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" By Deborah L. Davis (There is also a helpful chapter for fathers.)
6.       Journal & Pen
7.       White Shadow Box Frame
8.       Pocket Kleenex (2)
9.       Traditional Medicinals Organic Cup of Calm Tea (3)
10.    Little Wooden Butterfly
11.    Knitted Keepsake Lovie (Handmade by Nana)
12.    “A Gift from Heaven” Printed Poem
13.    Wood Chalkboard Plaque w/ chalk
15.    Single White Balloon

All these items are stored in the 14.1" x 14.3" x 3.1" clear container, where they can continue safely storing any keepsakes of their little ones and we have included a personalized letter signed by my husband, big brother and myself.

Having sleepless nights making sure these comfort packages are put together and ready for the 23rd... Oh how much we wish we were having those sleepless nights with our baby...As I complete each one and add the seal on the packages that read, "Donated in Honor of Our Little J" I get so emotional and feel he is right here with us helping as my little partner...Us providing some comfort to parents and our Angel Jesse with their little ones. We are so grateful for the support to have been able put these together.